Its ok not to be ok

When i think about when we first started the charity and why, i feel we have we have achieved so much and more, in 7 years i haven't really taken a day of, even at times i have needed one or two, i have always been driven by charlie's legacy and making sure all bereaved parents and families get the support they need, i have never really looked at my own grief and and how it's effected my own mental health, feelings and day to day life.

When lockdown happened i think everyone at the charity felt upset and devastated because we have all put so much into the bereavement centre over the years with fundraising and then expanding our services, the first couple of months i quite enjoyed the free time i had, thou i was still working at home behind the scenes, but the more time i had free the more time i had to think, it started with me not being able to sleep properly, checking emails constantly {i didn't want to miss a important one } worrying i was letting charlie down, then my family down to point where i was working 16 hours a day, i became anxious, agitated and unable to control my emotions, and totally out of control, if any one knows me i am a chilled out kinda person, i became scared and worried as to why this was happening to me. thou telling any one how i was feeling was a whole different matter, i have a husband who i can tell anything to, i have friends who at times know me better than i know myself, but the fear of speaking up and the fear of letting so many people down became to much, my hubby once said to me if you hit a brick wall its gonna break,

Over the last few weeks i have learnt and realized that grief, mental health and depression is not something that should be hidden away and i can either face it or run away from it, i have chosen to face it, work with it and speak out, and help from my husband and friends i can see some light again,

i have also learnt that your own mental health is just as important as anyone else's, it's ok to speak up, it's ok to take time out, and it's ok not to be ok

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